Sure, puppies might look like a good idea—those begging, beguiling eyes beaming up at you from the box, hoping to be taken home—but some of you simply aren’t equipped for the accompanying madness that ensues. You want the pooch? You can’t handle the pooch! Think of all the things you’ll have to put up with!
In fact, we’ll give you 21 reasons why you should resist that urge. Read on, and stay strong!
1. Attachment Issues
Seriously, puppies can be a little clingy.
2. Your Cat May Hate You
They may be tolerating the puppy, but you’ve been reclassified as their new scratching post.
3. Your Dog May Never Forgive You
Your adult dog is already plotting how to make you pay for this indignity.
4. They’ll Bowl You Over
Puppies like to mix it up. This could be a recipe for disaster…
5. You May Not Know Their True Parentage
Hey, even Luke Skywalker didn’t know Vader was his father. What if you’ve brought home a canine spawned by the dark side? Adorable…or a-Darth-able?
6. They Might Be Batman
Think about it: have you ever seen the two of them together? Where does your puppy disappear to after dark? All those late night shifts make for a cranky daytime companion; just ask Alfred.
7. Cuteness Invasion
This little bundle of joy may be the advance scout for a complete canine coup.
8. Hogging the Bed
There’s no “my side, your side” or chance for spooning. It’s now puppy property.
9. Sleep Deprivation
If the random acts of pouncing don’t wear you down, the puppy breath will.
10. Baby Jealousy
A new human addition might be viewed as a challenge. Come on, which of of us looks better in the bassinet? Which one of us has fur?
11. Your Emo Days Are Over
You can try to apply heavy eyeliner, put on goth clothes, and listen to The Cure, but that puppy will ruin all that attempted angst with a single hug.
12. They’re Nosey
It’s not just that they’re in your business, they’re in your face. Literally. Forget licking, it’s time for open-mouth kisses!
13. No Off Switch
These perpetual motion machines are like the Energizer bunny: they just keep going, and going, and going…
14. Puppy Love
Wouldn’t you rather have an adult pooch? During doggy adolescence, you just never know who they’re going to bring home. Walking in and finding this? Awkward.
15. Extracurricular Activities
It’s not just paying for all the equipment—think about ferrying them to all the little league games! When it comes to puppies, maybe you should pass?
16. They Might Be Vampires
They’re not just batting their eyes at you. All that irresistability is going to suck your heart dry.
17. They Could Be Superheroes
Think about it. How many times has that cuddling saved your day?
18. Evil Doppelganger?
They might have an untouchable, taunting twin that terrorizes your home.
19. Secret Shoe Fetish
They want to wear your clothes. Do you really want to share? What if you’re not paying attention and you step on them?
20. Coronary by Cuteness
The surgeon general has declared that, if they don’t cause cardiac arrest, puppies have a high statistical probability of melting your heart.
21. Contagious Howling
If you survive all the above reasons, you may find yourself prone to some howl-ish inspiration, forced to endure all-night canine crooning and even joining in on the action!
I hope the numerous nightmarish considerations above have steered you clear of adopting these unassuming little creatures, lest they fool you with their undeniably allure. If you’re still teetering on the precipice of puppy procurement, at least remind yourself that a decision should be made…
