- Not a substitute for professional veterinary help.
It can be tempting to want to run your fingers through the majestic floof of a long-haired cat or tickle your kitty’s cute tummy when they sprawl out in a pool of sunshine.
But before you let your fingers take the lead, consider your cat’s preferences. For some kitties, petting is better than catnip. Others might contemplate murder if you raise a finger in their direction.
Thanks to these tips and insights from feline behaviorists, knowing where to pet a cat and how to tell when they’ve had enough can help you bring out the purrs instead of the claws and teeth.
When Is It Okay To Pet a Cat?
The desire for physical touch varies from cat to cat, just like it does from person to person. Knowing when it’s okay to pet a cat comes down to understanding how they show they’re open for business.
The great thing is, unlike some of the more puzzling and confusing cat behaviors, when a cat wants to be pet, the signs are pretty unmistakable. That’s true even if you’re a newbie when it comes to understanding cat body language.
“Cats will often offer the part of their bodies that they most want pet, like their cheeks,” says feline behaviorist Stephen Quandt, CFTBS and founder of Feline Behavior Associates.
Some cats are more zealous and enthusiastic about petting. These kitties might demand physical affection in the following ways:
- rubbing up against you
- bunting you with their head
- purring
- meowing
- making eye contact like a slow blink or with relaxed, half-closed eyes
How to ask a cat’s permission before petting
If the kitty you want to pet isn’t directly seeking attention from you, there are some ways you can ask their permission.
“Providing choice and agency to the cat will build the most trust,” explains Laura Cassiday, Certified Cat Behavior Consultant and founder of Pawsitive Vibes Cat Behavior & Training. “I am a big fan of using a consent test.”
Cassiday’s consent test is a way to tell if petting is mutually desired. Here’s how it’s done:
- Hold your hand out to the cat.
- Let the cat approach you.
- Move your hand a few inches from his or her head.
- Let the cat initiate the petting with their head or body.
- Pet for a few seconds and then hold your hand slightly away again.
- Let the cat reinitiate the petting.
- Repeat until the cat walks away.
“By constantly asking permission to keep going, you avoid your cat having to bite or scratch to tell you he’s done,” Cassiday says.
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When not to pet a cat
You can also prevent ending up on the wrong side of your cat’s teeth and claws by looking out for signs that a cat doesn’t want to be pet or touched.
Cassiday says body language and behavior to look out for include:
- A swishy, flicking, or thumping tail
- Rippling or twitching skin on back
- Flinching away
- Lip licking
- Ears turning back
- Growling or hissing
- Swatting
Where Are the Best Spots to Pet a Cat?
“It’s always safest to stick to the head and cheeks. When cats are friends with each other, they will often groom each other there as a sign of affection,” Cassiday says. “Petting your cat’s head is most similar to what a member of his own species would do.”
While all cats are individuals with different preferences Quandt, Cassiday, and Dr. Bernadine Cruz, DVM, emeritus veterinarian associated with Laguna Hills Animal Hospital, say the most cat-friendly petting spots include:
- Top and back of head
- Cheeks
- Under chin
- Back of neck
- On, between, and behind ears
- Base of tail
Keeping in mind that each cat’s relationship with physical touch is unique to them, there are some spots on a cat’s body that are universally disliked.
“The majority of cats hate having their stomachs or paws manipulated,” Dr. Cruz says.
Generally off-limit, no-touch petting zones include:
- Tummy
- Tail
- Paws
- Lower back
- Legs
It’s tempting to want to tickle a cat’s irresistible toe beans and their fuzzy bellies, but these are two of the most sensitive areas on a cat’s body. Most are very protective of keeping your hands off them.
Forcibly belly rubbing or grabbing your cat’s paws if they don’t want to be touched there stresses your cat out. That might end in you getting bunny kicked, scratched, or bitten.
Linda Raymond via iStock
How Should You Pet a Cat?
“How you pet a cat can be as important as where you pet them,” Quandt says. “Generally, soft petting is best, but some cats might appreciate harder petting, more like massaging.”
The amount of pressure and the types of strokes you use while petting a cat is best learned by doing. That’s because, like the areas they prefer to be pet, this is personal and varies from cat to cat.
“Some cats love to have their ears rubbed and gently tugged upwards. Massaging down their backbone and a gentle open-handed pat at the tail base will sometimes result in a purr,” Dr. Cruz says.
Try applying different amounts of pressure and types of petting while carefully reading your cat’s body language cues. That will help you find out what sends them into a state of purring bliss and what makes them high tail it away.
“If the cat is leaning into you, it’s probably safe to increase the pressure. If they’re neutral or leaning away, it could be a sign to step back,” Cassiday warns.
Dr. Cruz and Cassiday suggest petting in the direction the cat’s fur grows in short, gentle strokes. Brushing them backward in brisk, rough, motions from their tail up to their head or using long, heavy strokes can be very overstimulating for cats.
As a whole, when it comes to how to pet a cat, Cassiday advises taking a cat-centered and empathetic approach. Put the same amount of energy into petting a cat as you’d like to receive back.
When To Stop Petting
The amount of petting cats want often depends on their personality and mood. So when it’s time to stop petting them doesn’t have a single “right” answer.
Some couch potato senior kitties are content cuddle with their favorite human with gentle petting for hours. On the other paw, some very high-energy or perpetually playful cats would rather stalk, chase, and hunt their favorite toys than receive pets.
Petting can quickly become one-sided, so it’s best to stop petting cats when they decide they’ve had enough.
“Many cats will turn that part of their body that you’re petting away from you. Some may also leave the area,” Quandt says.
Sometimes a cat will take a less passive approach to show they’re done with petting.
“If your cat tenses and strikes out, they may have had enough,” Dr. Cruz says. “Stop and don’t reprimand your cat. They have rights to personal space just as we do. No means no.”
Dr. Cruz says other signs to look out for that indicate it’s immediately time to stop petting include:
- Ears pulled back
- Dilated pupils
- Tail quickly swishing back and forth or thumping
- Growling
- Swatting
- Lunging or charging
How To Pet a Kitten
As with adult and senior cats, kittens have likes, dislikes, and different desires for physical touch and close interactions. Petting and gently handling kittens, especially using fear-free techniques, are one of the most effective ways to help a kitten in their essential socialization process.
But it’s also possible to do it incorrectly, cautions Cassiday. “You always want to keep the kitten in control over the session and allow them to move away if they’d like to.”
Avoid the following:
- abruptly grabbing them
- snatching them up
- forcibly restraining a kitten
- using too much pressure when petting
Cassiday encourages cat lovers to use common sense when they pet a kitten. “I see a lot of people using oven mitts or extendable back scratchers to corner kittens and pet them. That’s just not a great method. If the kitten isn’t enjoying it, don’t do it.”
AkilinaWinner via iStock
Why Do Some Cats Hate Petting?
What if some cats and kittens hate any type of petting and physical touch? Is that normal?
It can be—but it can also be a sign of a problem. Petting aversion can come from natural personal preference as well as some medical conditions and illnesses, so it’s a good idea to get your cat checked by your vet. That goes double if you notice their preferences changing.
“You may be inadvertently touching a spot that causes pain or discomfort such as arthritis,” Dr. Cruz explains.
A few other health issues that might cause a cat to hate petting include:
- Skin disorders
- Tumors
- Internal organ abnormalities
- Neurological disorders
- Feline hyperesthesia
What To Do if Your Cat Hates Pets
Forcing your cat to be okay with pets or physical touch and disregarding their boundaries and personal preferences is a surefire way to strain the relationship you have and take a toll on your cat’s trust in you.
Instead, there are many alternative ways you can show your cat affection and have fun together!
“Play is a great substitute,” Quandt says. “Providing your cat with other forms of enrichment like climbing trees, tunnels, and puzzle feeders is always good.”
Giving your cat a taste of the adventure cat life by getting them a cat backpack or harness and leash training them is a great way to safely expand their world, keep things exciting, and tighten your bond.
Or, if you really want to think outside the cardboard box, you can take on a whole new challenge. “I’m a big fan of clicker training,” Cassiday says. “It’s a lot of fun and a great bonding experience to teach your cat tricks.”
