Welcome to Paws and Effect, a pet expert advice column penned by longtime Rover contributor and award-winning pet writer, Jen Reeder. From navigating squishy social scenarios and murky ethical territory to burning behavioral or moral questions about cats and dogs, Jen uses her years of experience and hard-earned instincts to find real solutions for real pet people. Got a question for Jen? Email: pawsandeffect@rover.com
Hi Jen,
I live in a household of four cats, along with my husband of 10 years. We are both big animal lovers and share a genuine love of pets. However, I work remotely at home, and spend a lot of time with our furry companions — a lot. One of our cats is very old and needs a few different medications throughout the day, as well as a different diet than the rest of the cats. Because I spend so much time in proximity to our pets, I have a very close bond with them, and they crave my attention all day. Of course, I love being around them!
When my husband comes home from work, sometimes he feels snubbed by our pets, and that the cats prefer my company to his. (To be honest, they usually do — not because he’s unloving towards them, they are just very used to me.) He has said this hurts his feelings and he’s even joked a few times that I love our pets more than him — and this hurts me, because I love him so much!
How can I help my husband know it’s not a matter of loving the cats more, and that I’m not neglecting him in favor of them?
Signed, My heart is a battlefield
Dear Battlefield,
Congratulations on 10 years of marriage! You sound like you’re all about love (woohoo!), so caring enough to try to find ways to make sure everyone in your home feels that love — especially your husband — could be your ticket to celebrating many more milestone anniversaries.
My first impulse when I read your question was there must be enrichment activities your husband can do to strengthen his bond with your cats. One of my best friends even takes her cat on leashed walks in the neighborhood, and they are super tight!
Taking leashed walks is one way that senior cat Marvin developed a close bond with his favorite person. Photo by Sarah Benson
To get expert insights, I reached out to Hannah Tomaszewski, a licensed social worker who manages the Pet Assist Program at Dumb Friends League, a animal welfare nonprofit that has been operating in Denver for over 100 years.
When I shared your situation, she told me it’s a “super common” problem.
“I used to be an adoption counselor at another rescue, and a lot of people would come in searching for more pets because they want them to be closer to them instead of their partner or a family member or roommate,” she said. “I always tell people it’s normal for cats to bond to someone who’s home all day.”
In your case, Battlefield, I’m guessing you are the family member who not only spends time with your cats and dispenses medication, but also cleans litter boxes, feeds, and brushes the cats? (Am I even a little close?)
In situations like this, where one person is providing the most care for the pets, Tomaszewski recommends the more hands-off partner — i.e. your husband — take over some of those responsibilities, so the animals see he’s providing for them.
“That’s always my first step,” she said.
While that step might be new territory for him, the next step might be challenging for you, too: Give your husband time alone with the cats, or take a cat off your lap and place her on his lap. If one of the cats has chosen him for a cuddle, try to restrain the feeling to pet the kitties while they are with him, so they don’t leave him and come to you. The key is to encourage healthy bonding between your pets and your husband.
Hannah Tomaszewki’s cats Yuma and Maisy bond with their mom with simple enrichment games, like playing with an empty cardboard box. Photo by Hannah Tomaszewski
I asked Tomaszewski if he could bribe the cats with little catnip toys or treats and she didn’t hesitate to say “absolutely.”
He can have fun bonding with your kitties during enrichment activities. In addition to grooming or petting them, he could offer lick mats or use wands to get them playing. My childhood cat Pretzel used to love batting at a shoelace that I’d slowly move past her paws until she had to pounce.
Tomaszewski, who adores her cats Maisy and Yuma, said one easy form of feline enrichment can be simply unpacking a cardboard box. So, if you are regularly accepting packages throughout the day, save one for your husband to open in front of the cats so he can give them box.
Your cats are going to bond with you because you spend the most time with them. Because your husband works outside the home, allow him to take over some of the care responsibilities you normally provide. iStock/yacobchuk
“If you get an Amazon package, try sitting there and tapping the inside of the box with your fingers until the cat pops in, or play peekaboo with the box,” she suggested. “Cats, from my experience, love to be enticed. ‘Oh my gosh — what’s that? OK, I’ll jump into this box. There’s nothing there? I’m going to jump out.’ Even just 10 minutes of a silly box game usually helps that bond grow and helps them see, ‘It’s fun spending time with Dad because he gives me boxes or he gives my licky treats, so I might go up to him next time I’m hungry.’”
Now for the really fun part — communicating all of this to your husband. How about going on a dinner date to share these ideas with him? I know one of your cats needs medication — I can relate to senior pets needing meds at certain times — so you could ask a friend to stop by or book a Rover sitter for a drop-in visit to keep the meds on schedule while you’re on your date. (Shout out to my awesome Rover sitters Alex and Lisa for all the drop-in visits they give to my pets!)
Tomaszewski donned her “social worker hat” to offer advice for how to bring up the topic.
“Let him know, ‘I actually submitted a question to an advice column because I really want [the cats] to care for you and I want you to know that, and I care so much about us that I want you to be a part of this dynamic with our animals,’” she counseled. “Being honest is important.”
Give your cats and your husband an opportunity to bond — and try to quietly remove yourself from the dynamic to allow this to happen. iStock/Drazen
You can also discuss the sacrifice you’ll make to let him spend more time with the cats — from giving him time alone with the cats to taking them off your lap and placing them on his when you’re all watching TV together — essentially, toning down your affection a bit.
“A lot of times we don’t always think about the things that we can tone down so that the partner can take on that responsibility,” she noted.
I’m not going to lie: This part made me nervous for you, Battlefield. I wondered if I’d be able to tone down my affection for my own pets, and asked if your cats will still love you if you follow her advice. Is there enough love from the cats to go around?
Once again Tomaszewski answered with an unequivocal response: “Of course.”
“If the cats are now coming to the husband half of the time, it doesn’t mean they love the partner any less. It just means that now that family is a full unit,” she said. “That love is all around — but it’s not just directed at one person, and the other person is the guest in the household.”
So Battlefield, I wish you luck making your family a full unit!
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