Dogs are incredibly talented. For example, their amazing sniffing abilities and eagerness to learn from humans mean they can work as narcotics detection agents, diabetic alert dogs, or bomb detection specialists.
But in the grand scheme of things, their job options are fairly limited — and that’s not fair. Dogs are good at many things, and it is unjust that their diverse array of skills aren’t reflected in their career opportunities. To that end, here are seven dog jobs that should exist.
1. Watermelon taster
Humans are very busy, and we do not have time to test whether a watermelon is tasty enough for our consumption. Dogs are known to be very good at tasting watermelon. I propose that we employ them to eat samples of watermelon for us. We will then observe how much they beg for more of the watermelon, thereby determining its tastiness level.
2. Capybara companion
Capybaras, the world’s largest rodent, are social animals. In the wild, capybaras live in large groups of 10-20 members. Naturally, if a capybara’s friends aren’t around, it can get lonely sometimes. That’s where dogs come in. Everyone knows that dogs, nature’s companions, are the perfect solution to loneliness. If we employ dogs to cuddle with capybaras, everyone’s happy.
3. Professional alarm clock
One could argue that dogs are already performing the tasks of this job, they just aren’t getting paid for it. Many dog owners report that if they accidentally sleep through their phone alarms, their dogs will kindly ensure they don’t sleep too much longer —specifically, not past feeding time — via a series of barks, scratches, and nudges. Thank you for your service, dogs.
4. Massage therapist
I’m not talking about human massage therapists for dogs. That job already exists, and it sounds like an ideal career. No, I mean that dogs should be massage therapists, both for other dogs and for humans. Think about how good a massage feels. Now, imagine if a dog were the one massaging you. It would be extra cute, not to mention extra relaxing. Interactions with pets have been proven to reduce stress, making this the most effective massage technique to ever exist.
5. Firewood gatherer
Serious question: does this dog job already exist? I couldn’t find any information on it, but frankly, that seems ridiculous. Send your dog out to gather a ton of sticks, then hoard them for the winter to keep you both warm. He’ll love it, you’ll love it. Need I go on?
6. Quality assurance specialist, hose department
How certain are you that your garden hose is of the finest quality? Many, if not most, Americans lose sleep over this very real concern. Solution: turn dogs loose on the hoses across this nation, and pay them handsomely for their services. We will quickly learn which hoses were built to last.
7. Swimming instructor
When I was little, I was terrified of going underwater, which made swimming lessons challenging. It’s common for little kids to be afraid of getting in the water. This would not be the case if their swimming classes were led by a friendly dog. Kids will follow a dog anywhere, and the appeal of a swimming dog would undoubtedly win out over their fear of the water.
This is just a sampling of the job opportunities that should exist for dogs. For now, though, they’ll just have to be content with their cuddling duties.