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- Not a substitute for professional veterinary help.
Whenever I get ready to leave the house, my dog Dilly follows me around. He nudges my heels and nervously yawns every few minutes. And, as soon I step out the door, he dashes to the window and flashes his saddest eyes at me from behind the glass.
I hate it. I imagine all of the ways that he feels unloved and abandoned when I leave him behind and that leaves me feeling like I’m failing my best friend.
And, I’m not alone in that feeling.
We talk a lot about the separation anxiety that our pets experience when we leave them, but there are many pet parents who experience their own separation anxiety when they need to leave their pets at home or day care.
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The Anxiety Is Real
Christal Yuen, a Rover employee based in Seattle, has struggled to leave her young Samoyed, Meda, alone for even the length of time it takes to run an errand or take a shower.
“She screams her head off when I leave,” says Yuen. “I’ve spent many therapy sessions hearing that I can’t let her dictate my life.”
But, she has rearranged life to be around Meda. Yuen fears she’s traumatizing her dog when she leaves and so she mostly doesn’t—not even to meet a friend for a drink or to go to the grocery store. She’s also found her anxiety exacerbated by social media, where “everyone has an opinion” about how to train your dog. Scrolling Instagram has worsened Yuen’s insecurities about whether she’s giving Meda the training and care she needs.
She feels like she’s the only one who can take care of Meda. And even when she’s trusted someone else with her, she checks her phone constantly for dog updates.
“I just have so much anxiety about what could happen and how she feels when I’m gone,” she says.
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Danielle Snyder, of Bend, Oregon, gets it. Her dogs Uki and Petra are two of her most important relationships and whenever she has to leave them behind, it’s a recipe for instant stress. Because she cares so much about them and just wants them to be happy.
“I often struggle leaving my sweet precious dogs because I worry about what will happen when I’m gone. If they’ll be lonely, if they’ll feel abandoned or not loved,” she says. “They are so much more than just pets to me, they’re my family. While I know that they will be OK, there’s just something so hard about being away from them.”
Why You Feel Separation Anxiety From Your Pet
It’s natural to worry about how our pets fare when we leave them behind, says Linda Harper, PhD, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist who specializes in working with animal lovers. This concern can cause us to experience separation anxiety from our best friends when we leave them behind.
With pets, Harper explains, people “experience unconditional love and all the joy that brings. They have a wonderful being who loves them for who they are. Sometimes it’s their deepest and most significant relationship in their life. And because they are the caregiver, they also feel responsible for keeping their buddy safe, comfortable, healthy and happy. With an intense bond like this, it can be hard to know how long you can leave them alone.”
A 2020 research study out of Australia bolsters this observation: it found a strong correlation between feeling a strong attachment to pets and experiencing separation anxiety when leaving pets behind.
“We found that people who have strong attachments to their animals, and particularly dogs, can become anxious when separated from them, especially if they don’t have strong social supports with other humans,” says Anna Chur-Hansen, PhD, a researcher from the University of Adelaide and a co-author of the study.
My brother, Jameson Halnon of Burlington, Vermont, relates to this sentiment. He lost his wife to cancer two years ago and felt his relationship with their two dogs shift after that loss. His dogs, Jaxon and Willard, became his main companions and he felt a heightened need to take the very best care of them—and a heightened guilt when he left them at home alone.
“Dogs play such a major role in helping me get through the day-to-day,” he says.
He worries that the dogs will be lonely or feel abandoned when he leaves. “And then I go down the rabbit hole of thinking about how they’re not going to be around forever.”
It’s especially hard when Willard recognizes Jameson is getting ready to leave, but then doesn’t get to go because it’s not a dog-friendly outing. “He looks at me like I’m never going to come back,” Halnon says.
According to a 2022 survey published by global data company YouGov, 40% of US-based pet owners reported feeling anxious when leaving their pet or pets home alone during the day.
In other words, Harper says, “people can become extremely emotionally bonded with their dog.”
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How to Cope With Separation Anxiety From Your Dog (or Cat)
If you experience anxiety or guilt when you leave your pet, leaving them with a trusted friend or dog sitter can help ease your stress. Yuen may work for Rover, but she uses the service, too. She says she feels less guilty about leaving very detailed instructions for care because she’s paying someone for their time.
“If I get the right help, I can feel more comfortable leaving Meda behind,” she says.
My brother has felt OK leaving his dogs with a trusted caretaker, like their dog camp Green Mountain Canine Camp, or with a good friend, who he knows will spend quality time with them and show them the love they deserve.
Here are a few other tips Harper and Chur-Hansen recommend for how to feel better about leaving your dog behind.
Dogs are adaptable and they will adjust to your departure. “They may ask you to stay, cry, or look sad when you leave,” says Harper. “You can’t blame them for trying to get what they want every minute. But, they adjust and find the gifts in the moment. Most dogs, with exceptions for major separation issues, will settle in and find the good things in that moment even though you are gone, whether that’s looking out a window, taking a nap, or chewing a bone. They aren’t watching the clock and they will be happy to see you upon return and go from there. No trauma, no grudge.”
Remember that your pet wants you to be happy. “It’s important to realize that [your pet’s] overall purpose and joy is linked to your happiness,” Harper says. “So, even if it means you need to work long hours or go out of town for family, business, or a vacation—they support you and love you. When these things are part of you living your best life, they want that for you.”
Try not to create a narrative about what your pet may be thinking—it may not be true. As much as we may feel like we’ve nailed our dog’s inner dialogue, we don’t actually know what they’re thinking at all times. “Who knows, maybe they are feeling, ‘Thank goodness, I need a little time to myself!’” says Harper.
Have faith in the trusting relationship you’ve built with your pet. “Have some faith in your pet’s ability and spirit to meet the challenge of adapting to your lifestyle. It’s a strength of the canine to do just that,” says Harper. “Trust yourself and your love to find that balance that works for both of you.”
Don’t be afraid to seek help. “If you did find that being away from a companion animal is causing you distress, or you could see that your life would be richer and more enjoyable if the attachment to your animal was less intense, then you might want to think about talking to a counsellor or a psychologist, to think through the reasons for that attachment and related separation anxiety,” says Chur-Hansen.
The Silver Lining
Perhaps the best thing about leaving your dog behind is that you get to come back to them, and all of the excitement and love that they greet you with.
I’ll try to remember that the next time I have to say goodbye to Dilly and his sad eyes. When I get home, that look will be long gone and replaced by ten thousand happy wags of his tail.
