Sh*t Pet Parents Will Literally Never Say

From “My dog is my copilot” to “Who rescued who?”, there are any number of snappy dog catchphrases you might be familiar with. But that’s not what this bit is about. Au contraire, dog lovers—here are ten lines you will never EVER hear escape a pet parent’s mouth.

I can’t wait to take a brisk jaunt out into this torrential downpour with Fido.

Nothing smells better than wet dog…I wonder if they make an air freshener in this scent.

This fur totally goes with my chambray.

Where’s the iPod so I can turn on some Whitney Houston while you busy yourself humping the mail man’s leg?

Play that Baha Men Jam One More Time

Dog slobber is the elixir of life

The mud Fido tracked into the living room adds a really nice earthy tone to the overall feel of the space.

No one is going to notice the chew marks on these shoes.

I can’t wait to wrap my digits around this steaming hot poop in the front yard.

My dog is my actual co-pilot.