Every dog is a natural comedian. Thanks to that fact, canines have been immortalized in funny dog quotes throughout the ages. Some are confessions from a bygone era, while others celebrate the goofy antics of modern dogs. Whether old or new, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite funny dog quotes to share with you.
- “Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
- “The average dog is nicer than the average person.”—Andy Rooney
- “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”—Charles De Gaulle
- “Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”—Corey Ford
- “The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.”—Samuel Butler
- “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”—Franklin P. Jones
- “The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”—Ambrose Bierce
- “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
- “It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
- “My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”—Elayne Boosler
- “Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
- “A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
- “Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen.”—Orhan Pamuk
- “Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”—Max Eastman
- “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”—Groucho Marx
- “Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
- “If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
- “When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
- “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that dogs think humans are nuts.”—John Steinbeck
- “Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”—Franklin Jones
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- ” If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.”—Phil Pastoret
- “A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
- “People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
- “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
- “The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
- “Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
- “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
- “Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
- “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
- “Everything I know I learned from dogs.”—Nora Roberts
It’s hard to resist a dog’s goofy charm. Their company keeps things interesting, keeps us laughing, and brings a lot of extra love into our lives.