Welcome to Paws and Effect, a pet expert advice column penned by longtime Rover contributor and award-winning pet writer, Jen Reeder. From navigating squishy social scenarios and murky ethical territory to burning behavioral or moral questions about cats and dogs, Jen uses her years of experience and hard-earned instincts to find real solutions for real pet people. Got a question for Jen? Email: pawsandeffect@rover.com
Dear Jen,
I am between dogs at the moment but I’m lucky to have many friends with pups to get my “dog fix.” However, one trait among of few of my friends with pets is starting to drive me up the wall. I don’t know if it’s because my perspective has changed since my last dog passed away, or because we moved from a big city to a smaller town and have a new group of friends, but there seems to be a big disconnect between how my friends talk about their pets, and who their pets actually are. I’ll hear comments such as, “He has perfect recall” (when I commonly see the dog ignore my friend), and, “Weird, she never jumps up on people!” (she always jumps up on people, i.e. me), or “He loves kids!” (actually, he avoids kids like the plague).
I don’t mind the qualities that make dogs dogs—that’s what I love about them—so I’m never looking for any kind of explanation, and I find these counter narratives strange and unnecessary. What is this pet parent instinct to insist that their dog is perfect, when anyone with eyeballs can see that this isn’t reality?
Signed, Friends Obsessed With Perfect Pets
“My dog NEVER jumps on people,” says the person whose dogs always jump on…everyone. Solstock/iStock
Dear Friends Obsessed with Perfect Pets,
Just yesterday I was walking my senior dog Rio in a park when a couple with a Samoyed headed toward us. Rio strained at his leash to try to say hello—he’s a social Lab mix—so I asked, “Is it OK for the dogs to say ‘hi’?”
The man stopped walking, pointed at Rio, and asked, “Is that a male?”
When I said yes, he replied, “We’ve had three incidents lately where people said their male dogs were friendly, but they weren’t. They all growled and tried to attack her.”
Understandably, he had trust issues.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I told him. “It sounds like those people just don’t know their dogs.”
The woman raised her hands high above her head and shouted, “Exactly!” (Then they decided to let our dogs go ahead and greet one another…without incident.)
I’m not sure why your friends are deluding themselves about their dogs’ behavior, but they definitely aren’t alone. With the rise of social media, there’s certainly a lot of societal pressure to seem perfect. There’s even a parenting phenomenon called “other-people perfectionism” where parents push their kids to be perfect so they look like perfect parents.
Or maybe it’s as simple as “Love is blind” or “Ignorance is bliss.”
One way or another, I think the root of the issue is that many people aren’t fluent in canine body language—or even aware of it. For example, a wagging tail doesn’t always mean a dog is happy—it can also indicate the dog is feeling anxious or threatened.
One subtle way you can help your friends understand their dogs better would be to give them the book, “Doggie Language: A Dog Lover’s Guide to Understanding Your Best Friend” by artist Lili Chin. (To avoid seeming judgmental, I once gave out a bunch of copies one Christmas with the explanation, “I loved this book and hope you do, too.”)
Lili Chin’s illustrated book “Doggie Language” recently won recently won “Best Book on Behavior, Health or General Care” from the Dog Writers Association of America. Photo courtesy of Lili Chin
Chin, whose book recently won “Best Book on Behavior, Health or General Care” from the Dog Writers Association of America, started learning about canine body language about 15 years ago after her beloved Boston Terrier, Boogie, bit several people, including her apartment manager. (See our article, Adorable New Book Gives You a Glimpse Into Your Dog’s True Feelings, for more about the book and Chin’s journey with Boogie.)
Chin had zero interest in getting rid of Boogie, so she started working with dog trainers and shooting videos of herself training her dog. Watching the videos helped her notice stress signs she’d never noticed before, like lip licking, head turning, and yawning, that Boogie was communicating when her trainer instructed her to use corrective measures, such as tugging on Boogie’s collar.
“Once I saw the signs, I could never unsee them again,” Chin recalled.
Chin switched trainers and changed the way she trained—using food rewards instead of collar pressure, for instance. He “blossomed” into a much happier, more expressive dog.
Lili Chin began delving into canine body language thanks to her dog, Boogie. Photo credit: Amanda Brooks
As she worked with renowned animal behaviorists to delve deeper into canine body language, the artist started getting hired to draw body language charts and other educational illustrations for veterinary behaviorists, trainers, authors, animal shelters, and major organizations—even Fear Free Pets and the World Health Organization.
It’s been 15 years since her “A-ha!” moment with Boogie, and today she’s as passionate as ever about helping people be more observant about canine communication.
“Dogs are always communicating something,” she told me when I shared your conundrum with her. “Even if they’re intentionally or not intentionally communicating something, their bodies can tell us about how they’re feeling.”
Take the whole “friendliness” issue. Chin said it’s unrealistic to want our dogs to always be friendly to everyone all the time—“Nobody is friendly 24/7 to everybody”—so we need to pay attention to whether our dog is feeling friendly at the moment.
If another person or dog approaches and our dog is lip licking, yawning, turning their head, moving away, or freezing, they might be a little uncomfortable or just want to keep to themselves.
If your dog turns her head away from an approaching person or dog, she might not want to “meet” them. Photo credit: Jen Reeder
“Basically, if a dog wants to meet somebody, they will move forward,” she said. “But most people don’t notice the small signals that show discomfort. Before I learned about dog body language, when my dog didn’t move forward, I just assumed he was calm and relaxed.”
Understanding canine body language and acting accordingly not only helps dogs feel happier, but it prevents conflict and harm for both people and pets.
When parents don’t understand how a dog is feeling, it can lead to their children causing so much stress for their dog that they end up biting them. (There’s an entire Dog Bite Prevention Week each year to educate people about the issue, but of course, it’s good to know year-round.)
If your friends truly love their dogs, perhaps after a gentle suggestion or two from a friend like you, there’s hope they can get past the denial and recognize that no dog (or human, for that matter) is perfect. This awareness is foundational to a more realistic, and ultimately, enriching, relationship with pets, and can enable a better understanding of how dogs are actually feeling—and communicating.
As Chin noted, “A relationship takes two-way communication.”
Good luck helping your friends get to know their dogs!
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