The human species seems to be the dominant life form on planet earth, with our established culture and customs—plus our penchant for canine companions that conform to our ways of thinking and organizing. But what if dogs dominated instead, setting the social trends for our interactions, entertainment, global guidance, and more? Here’s a glimpse into some of the ways life might evolve if the pooches were in power.
1. The Standard Greeting Changes Forever
The handshake is replaced by bumping noses, along with a friendly lick.
2. Winter Traditions Trade Out the Snowman
Dogs now make snow hydrants, finished with a crowning touch of personal color.
3. Wake Up Time Becomes More Gradual
Human, you’ll get up only when the dog is good and ready. Sleeping in is the new normal.
4. Dogs Count Humans as Carpooling Partners
This amounts to fewer cars on the road and smoother commutes for everyone. “It’s your turn to drive, human.”
5. No More Chasing Fire Trucks
Why chase them? Dogs run the emergency services now, and bells and barking would replace those screechy, yowling sirens. “I mean we’re not cats, for pity’s sake…”
6. Doctor’s Visit Includes a Good Sniff
With cancer-smelling dogs and other olfactory diagnoses, your checkup becomes a bit different.
7. Job Interviews Get Awkward
Sometimes sniffing benefits you in a dog’s world, like with the doctor. Other times it just makes you uncomfortable. When humans ran the world this would have been harassment. Now, it’s just part of the interview process.
8. Work Breaks Become More Awesome
Once you’ve got a job, of course, some things are much better. “Come back later, it’s my afternoon nap on the floor.”
9. Table Manners Become Less Stringent
At first it seems a little gross, but trust me: you get used to it (after you stop laughing).
10. Dogs Take Humans Out For Walks
They’ve read the history of American obesity statistics and exercise deficiencies. “Come on, human, keep up! It’s tough love!”
11. Dogs Finally Control the Remote
If you’re good, they might let you up on the couch.
“Don’t even think about touching that control. I’m watching Human Planet.”
12. National and International Sports Change
They sound familiar, but the NFL is now the National Fetch-Ball League…
…and everyone tunes in for the World Chuck.
13. Move Over, Harry Potter…
…and Star Wars, Avengers, James Bond, etc. The most successful franchise becomes the Buddy film, with crossover casting like Star Trek Into Barkness, Guard Dogs of the Galaxy, and Jurassic Bark. Audiences are pleased; these casting choices are golden.
14. The Postman Always Brings…Terror.
Horror movies shift so that recurring tropes include the mailman as a primary villain: characters include Mailman Myers and FedEx Krueger. Is he outside the house? Cue the psycho music…
15. Human Obedience Training
Corrective training for humans helps keep peace around the world. Most dogs have shifted to reward-based system, but some still use the controversial water/shame method.
16. Happier Headlines
Sections of the daily paper include “What Got Chewed,” “Park Events,” and “Shoe Futures” along with the Dog Jones Industrial Average, and comments on crime reduction since crossing over to a canine-controlled world. Turns out that unconditional love of a dog trumps human instincts on a global level. Sure, some unruly canine rolls up a newspaper every now and again to bop another dog on the nose, but wars amount to little more than barking skirmishes and warning snaps.
17. Escalated Adventure!
Less time spent fighting among ourselves, coupled with that insatiable canine curiosity, lead to more exploration and understanding of our world…and beyond! To the highest mountains, deepest seas, until…
18. The Final, Four-Legged Frontier
Canine sciences push us beyond the moon, headed out into the far reaches of space. A rocket ball was fired first, instilling all dog-kind with an interstellar desire to fetch it.
(Stalling the plan for years, however, was designing a system that addressed the vacuum of space but allowed astrodogs to hang their head out the starship window.)
Okay, so maybe things wouldn’t be that simple, but when we look into the adorable eyes of our best friends and imagine what they’re thinking, maybe all that reflected joy, devotion, and love should inspire us to use the power and control we yield for increasingly nobler purposes.
If not, who knows…they could be plotting a takeover while we sleep!